Growing Pains pt. 1

 

It’s been a while since I wrote anything. It’s been hard to pick up a pen and create when such a huge part of my life was was destroyed…. Destroyed is such a strong word, but its fitting with how I feel on the inside. If you are close to me, work with me, or simply know me you know that on May 7th, 2017 my family and I lost my father, LeRoy Hemingway. That weekend was one that took me on an ultimate High, and then an ultimate low. I had the honor of watching my nephew graduate and get his second post high school degree. That kid fills me with pride.

After taking him out for his graduation dinner I had the honor of taking my mom and dad back to the hotel in Rock Hill, South Carolina. Once we got mom settled in, my dad wanted me to take him to the local gas station so he could pick up his “winning” lottery ticket and a few snacks for him and my mom just in case they needed it throughout the night. Without hesitation my dad and I jumped into the car and turned up the music. We critique the modern music and appreciate the melodies of the past as we travel less than half a mile to the nearest gas station.

My father has a routine when it comes to out of town gas stations,  he usually looks st the hats that they are selling, if they are selling them. Anyone who knows him knew that he wore a cap all day everyday when he could. He would get his snacks, plain chips, Pepsi, and a bag of salted peanuts to put in the Pepsi. Lastly, he would play his numbers and get a lottery ticket or two. Playing the state lottery seemed to fill him with excitement. My dad didn’t miss an opportunity to possibly win millions of dollars. Sadly, he never did but he did more often than not get his ticket money back. It was all in good fun and a hobby of his through the years. At this point in life with me leaving the nest and moving to another state it was a nostalgia trip whenever I got the chance to do it. Something I’m going to miss more than anyone will ever know. 

When we got back to the hotel I walked him to his room and told my mom and dad goodnight and that I would see them in the morning. They said the same, and I gave my mom a hug, and kiss telling her that I loved her. Dad walked me to the door and I told him that I loved him, and he said “I love you too.” Before closing the door. These two gestures are forever burned into my eyes and memory.

I’m lucky enough to have this, and I’m grateful, but the gesture of closing the door still hurts, I’ll explain why. The words “I love you too” are the last words I ever heard my dad say. That was our final day and conversation. I’m blessed with that, that’s more than others for a chance for. Closing the door took on the meaning of closing the chapter on our journey together. I was shut out, and he was taken from me. I know I have a writers mind and I create scenarios, but this wasn’t fictional. This was what it actually felt like hours later after I replayed the memory in my head. This is what it felt like after the coroner left us there a wounded family not knowing what to do…

To be continued next post.

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Trying to deal…


Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see
Amid the darkness I’m reminded

The images won’t let me be

I’ve yet to find the strength to bind it

Some days I’m stuck in an infinite loop

Being reminded of my helplessness 

It’s depressing enough to make me join a group/

But would that help my mental fitness?

I just stood there that day.

Internally screaming 

I fought hard to keep tears at bay 

Internally reaching

How do I completely move ahead

Part of me is still there

Part of me is dead

Now I’m emotionally volatile, is that fair?

The Father and The Son

The father and the son
I watched you

From behind

Then over your shoulder

Then from your side

You pushed me

To step ahead of you

You infused me with

Pride

Sarcasm

Empathy 

Determination

You made me into the chosen on

The only one

Proudly I hold the title of only son

I fought for your name

I wear it across my heart

But am I worthy?

You were a deity 

Moving earth

Wielding flames

Controlling the sky

You were a king

Your orders rang through the halls

Our castle shook at your power

Am I worthy?

The prince who was promised 

That’s how you treated me

The prince destined for greatness

That’s what you told me

The prince with no choice to prosper

That’s what I am.

No that’s what I was

Now I have to brandish the crown

As a king

 I have to stand tall as you make the angels sing

No choice but to make you proud

Are you watching

No choice but to go farther

Will you be watching

No choice but to succeed

I know you’re watching 

I can see you every time I look in the mirror 

Its like you never left me

That’s why I clench my fists in rage sometimes

I am you

You are me

We are one

The father and the son

VenomĀ 


Pick up that needle girl, grab your ink
I need you girl, more than you think

Tattoo my heart girl, but go through my vein

Put your venom in me and ease my pain

Just give it all to me

I’ll take it all for free

Blur my vision girl, let your venom take the reigns

Control my soul girl, without you I’m insane

You fuel my soul girl that much is true

That’s why I’m dying for another taste of you

Just give it all to me

I’ll take it all for free

Please baby your poison is my power

I need another hit every hour

Tattoo my heart baby and ease my pain

Control my soul with your ink in my veins
-Poetic Ice

Seraphim of theft

The angel of death

More like the seraphim of theft 

You stole from me you omnipotent crook

Leaving my soul shook

But I’ve had time to cry 

I’m no longer shy

I’m standing firm to ask you why?

And with all the rage in me wish I could make you die!

Since I know I can’t rewrite the past

It won’t be swift and fast

You stole my family, in heaven they’ll stay

But it’s long been time for you to pay!

Brandish your scythe and raise it high

Prepare thy self specter the end is nigh 

As I put on brass knuckles I wonder if you draw breath

Only because I want to watch it leave you as I beat you to death!

There isn’t one molecule in you I don’t want to obliterate

With ever ounce of power I can generate 

I’d battle you not knowing if I could succeed

But I wouldn’t be pleased until I see you bleed

I’d feed your blood to the earth

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, truly a sacrifice of some worth

I know I’m venting for clarity

But I hope the angel of death suffers for all eternity.
Poetic ice

Rain tears

Crying in the rain 

Only so I can scream with the thunder 

Set flames with the lightning

So my soul can be smothered with ashes

Vision clouded with the haze of storm clouds

My world shaken by deaths quake

Alive feeling like dying

Dying yet drawing breath 

A part of my heart beat

My essences and my DNA

Stolen from me in a horrific way 

I feel as ash is the worth of my soul

Forever feeling pain as sharp as lightning 

My heart howls with the despair of thunder

As I cry in the rain
-Poetic Ice