Tag Archives: satire

Shit My Wife Says Vol. 2

This wonderfully gorgeous woman I get to call my wife honestly makes me think. I have an understanding of het on the molecular level. But sometimes those particles get accelerated and I end up saying “What. The. F**K?” AND we end up laughing beyond belief.

1. Why won’t you lett me get the butt?
My wife and I need a new bed. It now causes us minute or major aches and pains depending on how we sleep. Today was a major pain day for her. She had to take pain medication to pacify her body. My wife can’t handle pain medication. She will say outlandish things that just makes you want to hold her til she falls asleep. Today was no different. Randomly as we lay she just says “Why don’t you let me get the butt?” then starts giggling like a toddler. Before I could even say WTF? She asked me to tell her what she said because she had no clue. Now we’re both laughing like fools. Seriously? How do drugs just induce that kind of thought process lol?

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Shit My Wife Says vol. 1

When you’re lucky enough to find someone to marry that loves you unconditionally you spend a lot of time with them. Eventually they say some things that honestly make you say ” What The F**k?” but in a sweet innocent confused way.

1. Your Lips Feel Good Between My Teeth
My wife randomly on our drive home said I want to bite your lips. Out of no where my wife becomes carnivorous and laughs. I ask why and she says “your lips feel good between my teeth”. Apparently its because of her love of my lips, but it took a different turn.

2. I Just Wanna Hit The Bird
My wife and I had lunch together and we passed a Canadian goose sitting peacefully in the shade. Minding his own business. This woman I love just decrees “I just wanna hit him. I want to hit the bird” I asked why with a laugh and her reason was that “He was too peaceful”.

3. Have you eaten at olive garden before
This one really threw me for a loop. Its normal for someone to ask a question like that, unless your are one of us. See, this question mind raped me for a moment because MY WIFE asked me have I been to Olive Garden, and that’s where I proposed to her lol. What she meant to ask was did I like Olive Garden enough to go back to it. We laughed a long time after that.

4. That’s some Strong ass Water
At said Olive Garden we had water with our delicious meal and apparently the water had a slightly different taste. She sipped and said “That’s some Strong Ass Water”. I was lost for a second as I tried to figure out how much our water glasses could bench press. I asked what that meant and sipped her water. Hers did have a different taste, maybe the lemon was tart.

I love this woman more than life. I’d give my all for her, move mountains, walk through flames, and take down mobs if necessary. But we have crazy conversations lol.

I’m sure more is to come

-Poetic Ice

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On our Honeymoon in Nassau

List of Annoyances in Life

Sooo my life has been stressed as of late and there are a few things that bring me to the brink if a psychopathic rampage now. It would be epic if I’m ever pushed beyond the threshold I’m tap dancing on.
So in an effort to find a therapeutic release that was legal, I made a list.

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Standing Too Close During Checkout
This is a huge annoyance. I’m talking terror alert will increase the closer in proximity you are to me. It can occur in any and all checkout lines put I’m pointing fingers, toes, elbows, and flashing neon lights at Wal-Mart. When you are in line and you feel that you just had an uncomfortable, unpleasant threefold with your wife and the middle aged lady behind you then that person is TOO DAMN CLOSE!

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Gas Prices
In this day and age you must trade your soul, your dog, your first born, and the next pope for a full tank of gas. Honestly when was the last time you saw a full tank of gas and didn’t have a slight regret about the situation?

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Pekingese
I know, I’m a vet tech and I’m mandated by law to love all pets equally, BUT I don’t have to like them all. This beautiful guy here comes in two varieties, sweet as pie and satanic worshipper of the dark Lord of the 8th realm. Guess which one I see more often…

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Clowns
Last but certainly not least is this subspecies of primate known as the clown. A being sent from hell to force happiness and joy upon you under the guise of slapstick comedy and facial paint. All attempts to hide their murderous intent to devour your soul as they lack their own. Once the jokes stop and the curtain goes down they roam our lands like the walking dead, laughing, playing weird music, spraying you with toxic chemicals pretending it’s a water gag. It’s no damn gag! It’s probably a sedative to improve their hunting odds and guaranteeing them your soul! If you can’t tell I hate them Sooo much.

This is just the start. What annoys you? Maybe you should blog it just to vent

poetic ice