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Things Vet Techs Don’t Like: Volume 18

Wow, volume 18 huh? we’ve come a long way from a bored Technician ranting two years ago haven’t we? Maybe I should stop, I have matured a lot and grown into a stronger, more patient man and I’m sure you’ve all grown with me…. Grown to the point of confusion and rage at times by the things we encounter… Yeah, no change on that front so the volumes must continue! Let’s get into it shall we, I welcome you to The Boarding Edition

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The Barker

Okay so let’s begin this journey with the most common boarder you will ever encounter in this field. The Barker. This is the dog that is in the kennel whom is a master of sheer destruction via sound waves. Once they enter your facility this beast will never stop barking. Whether it’s high pitched yips or low baritone Woofs, this dog will bark for the duration of its stay at your kennel. This poor beast doesn’t even stop barking to sleep. So since this beast won’t sleep you assume it will stop barking to eat. You are wrong, you naïve fool, so wrong! No meal or treat will stop this dog from singing you the song of its people. After about 8 hours of this The Barker goes through a transformation that takes their bark to the next level. It now barks with enough passion, power, and volume to summon Christ himself. Bless your eardrums.

The Fearful One

This poor unfortunate soul has the title The Fearful One. Nothing makes your job in veterinary medicine more aggravating and dangerous than a fearful. A fearful pet is more likely to get extremely desperate and attack to garner its freedom from you. In the case of boarding, fearful dogs and cats cower into the corners of their cages. I’m talking about an impossibly small ball in the impossibly cramped corner of the cage. All in hopes that it was an accident that you opened their kennel. Once the realization sets in that you meant to do this they activate their next line of defense, excrement. Submissive urination, defecation and emesis from being overly worked up is all a possibility with an extremely fearful dog. Once you breach their second line of defense and clean up the mess their third and final option becomes clear in their mind. It’s a two-parter as well. First these dogs have mastered fear biting and will use it at will if provoked enough, second once they have bit or snapped at you they will escape by any means necessary. Remember this dog isn’t biting you to kill you, it’s doing so to make an opening for escape. These pets aren’t truly aggressive just terrified of you.

The Junkie

This class of boarder is known as The Junkie, or at least by the time you are done with your shift you feel that way about them. This pet is usually at or over geriatric age and has been given a diagnosis that will result in death were it not for the miracle of modern medicine. When you work for a facility that offers medical boarding you are a godsend to those owners who don’t trust a pet sitter to give medications, so take pride in what you do. But, that doesn’t mean we aren’t aggravated by the fact that your P has 7-8 different medications all given at varying dosing times, which are staggered throughout the day and not given together in any way shape or form! My god why can’t they all be given together (If possible lol)? Now every thirty minutes we’re medicating your dog. We don’t mind, but if your pet doesn’t want the pill, we have to use a pill pocket. If they don’t want that we try to hide it in wet dog food. If that fails we enter into a UFC brawl with the pet, putting them in some form of headlock that allows us to pry open their overly powerful jaws to shove a pill down their throat. This method results in one of two options: The dog bites you either by accident or on purpose because we are essentially gagging them for a moment. The second option is that pet NO LONGER trusts us and feels betrayed by our actions making each dosing after that harder. That look of disappointment and disdain afterwards just makes you feel sooo bad, but you remember that he has 72 more pills to take and you don’t feel so bad anymore.

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The Apex Predator

Okay in the mind of an overly creative imaginative vet tech such as myself this is the scenario that plays in my head when it comes to The Apex Predator: The owner of this dog stops at the door and kneels down to whisper into their ear and casts a spell of true malice and malevolence while “Eye of The Tiger” plays softly in the background. As the spell is casts the ancient spirits of prehistoric wolves, velociraptors, and your elementary school bully now possess this dog making him the most demonic thing you will ever encounter in your working life. The Apex Predator enters your facility in pure rebellion of your kennel. It matters not who they see, they will bite/claw/maim all that are unfortunate enough to pass them. They exhibit multiple forms of aggression. Cage aggression, kennel aggression, dog aggression, male aggression, there was a breeze aggression, I hear a voice aggression, you have a mother and father aggression, all of them. It’s safe to say that this pet was a T-rex in its past life. When the owner comes to pick up the spell is broken and they become extremely cuddly towards you and everyone around you. This cast the illusion that he was like this for his entire stay. This then prompts the owner to schedule another visit with your facility, YAY!!! But, they only try to do it when you work, NOOOOOOO!!!!

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The Cat

This is plain and simple. The Cat isn’t a complicated boarder, but it can be the most exhausting of the lot. Cats are either sweet cuddly balls of fur that you love to rub on and give attention while they stay with you. Or they are dark malicious phantasms born of fire, brimstone, hate and dragon’s piss! Sent fourth from the bowels of hell to render your mind, body, and soul null and void as it reigns down its unholy terror upon you. All just to feast on what remains of your dried up husk of a vet tech simply because it was mad at the fact that it was brought to your kennel. Yup, simple indeed. A purr angel, or Lucifer’s left nut, that’s what you get with cats.

But that’s just my two cent on the matter. Remember these are just the over simplifications and exaggerations of what we do at the job for satirical purposes. Not a direct reflection of any facility. Except the cat part… that’s just life.

-Poetic Ice

 

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Things Vet Techs Don’t Like Vol. 8

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Okay… Really? Just Really? Will this list stop? I doubt it. I thought this would be a quick venting mechanism and great practice writing. NOPE It’s my life now apparently. Let’s get the ball rolling…

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Running Around Like A Chicken With My Head Cut Off

Veterinary medicine is a fast paced occupation. More often than not you are multitasking and running from place to place to assist your coworkers or the doctor in some way, all the while you are trying to aid your clients as well. We understand that. We’re prepared for that. We LOVE THAT! or else we wouldn’t be here. BUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!! If you’re the ONE client that comes in and decides you don’t want to tell us every thing you want up front, and would rather us drag your dog back and forth a million times then refer to the picture below please,

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Don’t have an exam, go to the lobby, Then ask for a nail trim causing us to take your dog to the back and do it. Then ask for anal gland expression once that’s done, and then ask for an ear cleaning after that. You are burning bridges here quickly. Your tech on the case does in fact have MANY other things to do, and if you would have mentioned that upfront instead of hiding it like government secrets it all would have been done before your appointment ended…. Jeez.

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Invasion of Personal Space

The fact that I have to post this infuriates me. Why do you feel that it is socially acceptable to invade mine or my doctor’s personal space. This isn’t a crowded night club, or a social mixer, it’s a Veterinary clinic. So when you decide that we must feel your breath, that isn’t always fresh, on our faces we feel… inclined to be enraged. Pissed even, and grossed the hell out. The vet and the tech should leave the room feeling like they helped you, not like they were forced into a threesome with some creep. It’s simple, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T BREATH ON ME, DON’T ASSIST ME WITH RESTRAINT UNLESS I REQUEST IT, DON’T TOUCH MY VETERINARIAN, DON’T PAT HIM/HER, DON’T WHISPER TO US IN HUSHED TONES AND GET ODDLY CLOSE TO US, AND LASTLY, BACK THE HELL UP!!!!

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W.A.C.K.

I guess you want to know what that stands for. Well don’t worry, Mr. Poetic Ice will tell you. W.A.C.K. stands for Weird Ass Crazy Kids. Some humans are blessed with kids. Some humans are blessed to not have them, and then there are those inept jackasses that have given birth to these Weird Ass Crazy Kids that spend their young lives following Satan’s word and spreading chaos and destruction. These demons don’t know how to control their voice levels, don’t sit down, touch EVERYTHING, attempt to pet the animal during examinations and vaccinations, ask 100,675 questions, and possibly color on your chairs in the exam room all before they leave. Some would say that’s just part of being a kid, but I don’t recall worshiping the Dark Lord in my youth. We aren’t really mad at the kids, it’s the parents that act like nothing is going on. Did you not see little Michael destroy a bag of dog treats? What about Susie that keeps slapping the cat? Okay, fine, I’ll pray for you since you’re already a prisoner in your own home to little Hitler.

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LIARS

I seriously wish your pants would catch on fire, or your nose would mutate and grow into some sick mass tumor on you face. Why would you feel compelled to lie on anyone about your pet!? Whether its simple lies of omission when the tech is asking questions and you don’t mention something, but you’ll tell the doctor. Or it’s full on you lying saying we did something to harm or endanger your pet intentionally, it doesn’t matter. Why the fuck would you lie on us or to us? Our job is to help you and your pet and you would go out of your way to lie on us? Is this some sick cry for attention? A need for drama? Whatever your reasoning is, we don’t appreciate it. We hate it. If it wasn’t so ungodly we’d hate you, but we’re not like that. We’re Veterinary professionals, and we’ll use logic, and science to combat your lies. We know the truth, and we stand by it, you won’t make us falter or bend to your will.

 

Well that’s my two cents for right now, thanks for reading thus far. Do you have something that irks you in the Vet world? Let me know

Poetic Ice

Shit My Wife Says Vol. 2

This wonderfully gorgeous woman I get to call my wife honestly makes me think. I have an understanding of het on the molecular level. But sometimes those particles get accelerated and I end up saying “What. The. F**K?” AND we end up laughing beyond belief.

1. Why won’t you lett me get the butt?
My wife and I need a new bed. It now causes us minute or major aches and pains depending on how we sleep. Today was a major pain day for her. She had to take pain medication to pacify her body. My wife can’t handle pain medication. She will say outlandish things that just makes you want to hold her til she falls asleep. Today was no different. Randomly as we lay she just says “Why don’t you let me get the butt?” then starts giggling like a toddler. Before I could even say WTF? She asked me to tell her what she said because she had no clue. Now we’re both laughing like fools. Seriously? How do drugs just induce that kind of thought process lol?

Shit My Wife Says vol. 1

When you’re lucky enough to find someone to marry that loves you unconditionally you spend a lot of time with them. Eventually they say some things that honestly make you say ” What The F**k?” but in a sweet innocent confused way.

1. Your Lips Feel Good Between My Teeth
My wife randomly on our drive home said I want to bite your lips. Out of no where my wife becomes carnivorous and laughs. I ask why and she says “your lips feel good between my teeth”. Apparently its because of her love of my lips, but it took a different turn.

2. I Just Wanna Hit The Bird
My wife and I had lunch together and we passed a Canadian goose sitting peacefully in the shade. Minding his own business. This woman I love just decrees “I just wanna hit him. I want to hit the bird” I asked why with a laugh and her reason was that “He was too peaceful”.

3. Have you eaten at olive garden before
This one really threw me for a loop. Its normal for someone to ask a question like that, unless your are one of us. See, this question mind raped me for a moment because MY WIFE asked me have I been to Olive Garden, and that’s where I proposed to her lol. What she meant to ask was did I like Olive Garden enough to go back to it. We laughed a long time after that.

4. That’s some Strong ass Water
At said Olive Garden we had water with our delicious meal and apparently the water had a slightly different taste. She sipped and said “That’s some Strong Ass Water”. I was lost for a second as I tried to figure out how much our water glasses could bench press. I asked what that meant and sipped her water. Hers did have a different taste, maybe the lemon was tart.

I love this woman more than life. I’d give my all for her, move mountains, walk through flames, and take down mobs if necessary. But we have crazy conversations lol.

I’m sure more is to come

-Poetic Ice

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On our Honeymoon in Nassau